Posted on 2009.07.10 at 00:33
2 weeks since the 25th flew by just like that, and now, the time has come, a time where i have never felt this way for a long long long time...since..A levels..Only difference is, this time i only fear for 1 subject. 1 mean, interesting but deadly killer subject. Ones worst nightmare. maybe not, but most's nightmare. i'm not worrying about getting an A..i just want to freaking pass that subject. Because failing..is NOT an option.
Usually, I like to always wait a few days after the results are out, no rush, if everyone logs on at the same itme, the system might just hang. so i prefer to see later. and for the entire time of me being in uni, exams has never been a problem ..results were never a worry, because I know i'll pass. This year..i hate this year.
Is it me or somethign else...i'm really scared. I am feeling everything inside me. Because iknow..there IS a possibility..the opposite might happen. Theres always a first for everything. someone get me a puff!
Results are out . Today. And when i finally gathered all my courage and whatever else I needed to prepare myself if i don't make it ...i was ready to stare it in the eye. Then , up pops a message that says " you are unable to view results due to incurring fines from the library" .........
WHAT!
i am guilty. a part of me sighed a relief..the other..i wish i could have seen it to get it done and over with. Its either i jump for joy and relieve..or i suddenly just go all quiet, that the worst thing in the world has happen, i will gradually enter depression.
i will. because i studied hard for that subject, and i don't want to sit for supplementary and study it AGAIN now..during the holidays..no! and if i fail the sups ...I guess i'll just be sitting on that plane and saying my byes to making a difference for the animals.
Ive had so many fines from the library, sometimes, actually most of the time unintentionally. ..and for the entire time of me being a student there, there is a kind kind women, our librarian,she always helps us cancel our fines through her computer secretly so we dont' have to pay a penny. she does it for every student. she is an angel. I've decided to get her a new fish to add to her collection of fishes in her little aquarium in the library as a token of gratefulness for what she's done and who she is. Although, i really think there should be a period of time where fines should not occur, because sometimes people just love to read! or read slower! and fines are uneccessary for that.
Maybe it woudl help if i try to return books on time, then it will save her the trouble of doing something illegal for me.
I am uneasy...I am uneasy...I am figgiting..i am itchy..i am nervous..i am scared...i have to have faith, be strong and just get it done and over with.
Its do or die. I usually only say that when i'm about to try and hold down a 70 kg male alpaca whom is very angry and has really powerful feet and sharp claws and about to break a table.
I actually feel worse now. OH MY GAWD.
breathe jessica breathe.
Posted on 2009.07.08 at 21:37
When you have been isolating yourself in a room for too long, you start to find things that were usually boring to you..not so boring afterall. One example, i found NEWS interesting.well, sometimes they are interesting, but if they go on about politics and money and finance and economy ...b.o.r.i.n.g. I think i must learn to start developing an interest for them before i reach the age of 30...ok maybe 25. i'll try 24. I still often wonder, how do people do accounts and econometrics or finance..their boring! But i guess, those that are doing it say the same bout my course. hey, its not.
I've also been watching so much MJ on tv, I really enjoy watching him perform. Its a pity i couldn't have watched him live ,his songs and death is getting to me. He really has written some very very beautiful moving songs.
I decided to do some googling..just to see what I can find. I've kinda summarize what i think is really beautiful and important in life to me. Well, in my opinion at least. see, this is what happens when you can't leave the house. You start to think about LIFE more. lol.which is good i guess.
My bedroom. My bedroom is my haven , my sanctuary. Thats what i think. Its 'home' at the end of the day. At the end of a tiring, perhaps bad day or even if its a happy day. Its the one that will welcome you with open arms and never let you go. Nothing beats closing the pair of eyes and forgetting about all the bad things that is happening around you, or perhaps a place for you to dream of the impossible and fantasize. Its what i like to call ..a real quiet time. Thats why if i get woken up not for the right reasons i get ...very upset.
photography.People get annoyed at me when i take too many pictures. Its not as if i'm taking pictures of everything. i only take pictures of things that capture my attention. Things that i think are cool or unique.Its all in the name of memories. I don't want to look back one day and forget what i've been through or experienced. Black and white photographs are my FAV. And i do not go around taking pictures of myself ..(not in public at least) unless someone really doesnt' want to hold the camera then ill just have to do it! I know i get annoyed at some people who go around snapping...i guess i should understand that all of us see things differently. Even if its just cornflakes with strawberries on top, some people still find that exquisite!i should understand.
CHRISTMAS. The decorations, the songs, the food..the presents. and i admit i always forget the true meaning behind christmas, i don't forget, it just never comes first to mind.
dressing up. I enjoy it a lot especially with girlfriends, but how often do i really do that. seldom..very very seldom. I still remember the first time learning to wear make up, i coloured my entire eyelid to the point it look bruised. I enjoyed stealing my mothers lipstick to try on,sometimes ending up looking like the Joker.Thats the only thing i can do without looking in the mirror. Then again, who doesn't? right, the boys. it was bad, but good experience. I have learnt to look normal now. Maybe because most of the time i'm only going to class..and i have no one i want to attract there..(you should see the vet boys..there is just no hope..except for a few good ones which I can count with 1 hand, its not even 5! okay..this is mean to say, but i'm sure they have very good hearts to make up for it..thats why their studying vet! =D) I would pick the heart to looks anytime. Waking up at 8am doesn't help either. When its cold, you just want to put everything on. I really dont care much about style and looking good then. Its all about getting to class ON time. I don't even comb my hair sometimes..I never got to wear a tutu. I was never graceful. Actually , i was told i'm dainty.(haha!) but when i go around breaking chopsticks and scalpel blades, er,dainty?! please. If i'm really quiet and behave, yes ..i can be a darling. (go on cough ) Besides, if i can attract someone without looking good..i think i can safely say that i have inner beauty. *grins ( go on,cough again)
Exercising. With man's best friend. Even better. Though i've never had a chance to do that, so i can't really say its a great feeling. But i can sort of imagine.
Eating ....2 seconds on the lips, 2 months on the hips ;)
Laughter. Its supposedly the best medicine. And i think thats quite true. I think having a sense of humour is such an important trait to own ..and find.but sometimes we just have to learn to not cross the border if not it just becomes-lame. I like watching people laugh.If someone laughs because of you its great, if they laugh with you, its even greater, if they laugh at you, get rid of them. Thats what i was told. How true!
Stars in the sky at night. Their pretty.
Sunset. Sceneries have always been something i like to capture and keep with me if possible. If not, thats what cameras are for!
Puppies...maybe the owner thought they were babies and wet?
Rainbow.Sign of Gods promise.
Music. I regret not learning my piano well. It was my fault for not learning to side read. I only discovered when i was Grade 6. (yes go on, gasp)But i've never stopped thinking how i still manage to pass with a merit if i simply banged on the keys during a side reading exam. I couldn't have been that lucky...weird. I must have really had a guardian angel for 6 years.
I think pregnant women are really beautiful. Though their fat, their beautifully fat. I can understand how this is really something ..but when i hear people go childbirth is the most beautiful thing in the world..i always think twice. I mean i know it gives you a baby, but how can it be when you go through such ...crazy pain.Oh well, i'll know...one day.
Beach. water. sand.
A mother or fathers love for a child. I find it really touching when you see dads pushing the tram and having babies glued to him front and back in those strap things instead of the mom . look at the comparison! how cute!
Flowers, Roses are one of my favorites.
Love. directly or indirectly. I hold on to this word very strongly in my heart. People whom i love, cherish or care for. Sometimes its hard to show how much you appreciate them , whether it be family or friends, but i know myself.
SPA! Everytime i walk pass a spa venue, i am so tempted to run in and have one, but obviously thats not possible. The one that i remember most is ones i had in Thailand. They were really cheap and pretty good. Except for the real Thai massage, im sure it did good to my body, u know all the helping blood circulation, relaxing you're muscles etc, but i was in so much so much pain. I still have that picture of me opening my eyes and this lady was sitting on my thighs! it really hurt.and i turn around to my gf to have her go, this is so good, and she's cracking away. In my heart i was going please be gentle woman! I couldn't say it out loud, because i couldn't speak thai and she wouldn't understand me, she was so not gentle. Another time was because i had really bad sunburns..and those pebble like things or rocks or stones whatever you call them, their heated to a very high temperature. and placing something hot on sunburnt skin= death. 
Suprises. I like good suprises. not bad ones. but like what they ALL say, lifes full of them. 
Relationships. I wouldn't mind having this as one of my wedding photos. If i ever do get married.
I find it so moving each time i see a little boy and girl hold hands and also old people who are still in love. I pray that i am given the chance to grow old with the one i marry and still have love burning for each other.
Traveling.
Dance.
Waking up to a beautiful day. Just that i don't normally stand topless in front of a window like that.
Accessories.I'm a sucker for those things. Whatever type wherever you can wear them, or place them. No
matter how much i have, i still want more. Each time i see them,its like a magnet. their pretty, thats why!
Feeling Free. I find horses really beautiful .and many other animals too. Although i've been injured so many times by them i still don't hate them. Their scary, very, but once you figure out the way to communicating with them, their just so nice to have around.
Friendship. What would we all do without our friends?
Amusement parks.I hate challenging msyefl to get on rides that have great heights, but once done, it feels soo life changing. I'm a chicken when it comes to heights.
Colours.
Posted on 2009.07.06 at 15:56
After 5 days of entertainment, fun and company...i'm back to being ....alone ..boohoo. this is the part where i really want to get ont hat plane and fly back to my dog. he needs me.
The adelaidians have left ..my dear gf has left with them too. So many others have flown back to their home land. I feel like going strawberry picking...but in this weather ?? not a good idea. I really like strawberries.
its so cold this pass few days. Which is good..hopefully it gets so cold all the germs are killed. Went to the clinic today to get a blood sample done( not yet done because it was fully booked so appointment had to be done, which means..further wait ) , good news is there is a high chance i have no swine flu...because ...(said the nurse) if i were to get it i would have gotten it the same time as my housemates since we were living together under the same roof. it was great to hear that! (thinks to myself, i like you very much miss nurse..i forgot her name. lol )
does that mean i am safe? does that mean i'm a strong girl? does that mean i didn't infect my friends?
just to be safe, its still better to get that blood tested on wednesday. I also got a free mask to wear around the house now..yay.its pink! I feel bad avoiding my housemate, its so weird and rude. but i guess, she should understand why. I had to call everyone whom i could remember that ever came close to me or them or entered the premises to tell them about it..because many of them are living with very young babies or old people..and thats not a joke at all. I really dont' mind falling sick, but i really don't like the idea of me causing someone whom is precious to another to die.
E is down with fever and sorethroat now,.we don't know if its because she got it, I feel so guilty. Nonetheless, i blame it on my housemate for keeping her mouth shut , if she had told me i would never have let anyone come in or near me. A bunch of them too got their blood samples tested today. Now im praying E will be fine and its just a common cold.
I just found out somethign new about my place today, the ventilation fan in the toilet is working! There was always a switch, ijust didn't see the switch. well i did but i didn't know it was for the fan. tell me, who would know a switch amongs 3 other switches on a socket with 2 plugs is for a fan. just doesn't make sense. I can't believe i only figured that out after living for almost 3 years in this place. Just like how i realize that i could actually press a button to unlock the main door outside from inside the house so visitors can come in after 1 and a half years of staying in the place. and also how i discovered that there is also a switch to unclog my kitchen sink after 2 years of staying in the same place, so i dont have to call the plumber and tell him i have a damaged sink.
am i blur or what! and i also found out that this place was built in the 1920s. ..err......
no wonder i get asked why some things are the way they are built..everything is built in a weird way..and why is it so cold in my place, i stil have no answer to that. The last thing i want thot hink about is that this place is haunted. No no no no..stop it. How do i survive without a heater, well i wear socks, 5 layers of clothes and use 2 big thick warm blankets and wear gloves at home ...its a bit insane but i guess over the years ,i've come to adapt. I believe, no matter how bad situations are, by learning to adapt just makes you a stronger person.
Tv is in my room! Finally! and i missed Roddick beat Federer..its okay..theres always Youtube.
Nothing beats sleeping in newly washed clean bed sheets..the smell, the feeling, the comfort..of course making the bed and trying to get a massive quilt into the cover is really a task.
I dont mind the cold weather, theres always cappucino and mocha. yummy. but if only there was the SUN ..oh sun where art thou? come out come out.
I dislike the fact that it gets dark by 5..makes me want to go to bed again, which reminds me i shouldn't be sleeping so much. I guess i shall just lie horizontal and try to finish 4 novels this holidays.
Jessie loves her bed. Jessie misses the company.
Posted on 2009.07.05 at 23:10
I think it took from day till night since my last post for me to finally 'give up' trying to stay 'clean' . Call me nuts but i've been carrying the disinfectant with me everywhere i go. Judging from the amount of times im pressing the nozzle and inhaling Glen 20 ..And trying to make my room the most interesting place on earth. I think it's about time i stop being so paranoid.
Because its tiring and worrying. So you know what, i'm just going to live Normally. Of course i shall still keep 2m away from my housemate but i'm not going to fuss over how many times i washed my hands or what i touched and if she had sneezed or coughed on it. Because she definitely did. and i'm sure if i were to have a special camera to capture the germs there would be tons stuck to me right at this moment.
Whatever happens, i shall be prepared. Mind and heart has finally come to terms and agreed with body.
So i shall be calm. and have faith. If i get it, i will fight it.Since so many people have recovered, i'm quite sure its possible for me to do the same...ahem, i hope. Unless my immune system decides to go spiralling down , then i AM screwed.
I heard its like chicken pox, if u get it once you'll never get it again. HURM....
now now, a time to ponder. .........
Should i get it and risk going through the suffering but stay safe for the rest of my life..and hopefully heal quick from it. or should i just continue spending the rest of my time in Melbourne hoping that i'm never infected.
Posted on 2009.07.05 at 12:47
I'm not a person that easily gets my head blown off the top. According to many 'people' , i'm a very easy going person.lol. So, my reaction to finding out that my 2 housemates have swine flu and not telling me ,especially when its been so long. literally sent my blood up to high heaven. Not so much because of 'what the helll is wrong with you' ..wel actually yes that too but more of ' do you know how many lives are at stake here?' bloody hell...OMG. freaking idiots. irresponsible ...................................i shall not say it. theres just too many words firing in my head now.
What really bothers me is my loved ones have entered and left the house, and my loved ones happen to have loved ones too..and this virus is airborne and highly contagious. seriously..i still can't get over it..i've never had issues with them..but for them to keep this a secret is just bloody selfish wiht a capital S.WHAT THE HECK WERE THEY THINKING?! people are going back to their families and loved ones! LOVED ONES! at this moment, my anger fustration and worry is speaking, but i really feel like getting new housemates.I wouldn't say its the right thing to do. its not nice but what they've done is just way over the board and totally NOT nice at all to me and to people who have come in close contact with me or them or into my place.anyway, i don't think i will kick them out ..forget it.
If i had not ask i would have never found out. If i hadn't went into her room to find her looking paler than normal in her bed.i would never have to worry now but at the same time, i could have been killing myself and everybody else who have entered the house..do they not care???! obviously they don't. i still can't get it in my head.. they can't be that dumb.
The boyfriend of the girl got it first and passed it to the girl 'apparently' .If i had not ask..i wouldn't have known i'm living with someone whose got the virus and is deeply ill. and there could have been a freakin epidemic just because of them. IDIOTS. One of them (the boyfriend) has flown back to sri lanka.and got diagnosed with it. I was told there are no cases in sri lanka yet..so he's the first to bring back swine flu to that country i guess?
I had a bad feeling 5 days ago before he left to the airport when he asked for a panadol. Back then, he looked fine. But since i was told to not always be negative , i just decided to let go of further thoughts. this is the point where i think sometimes you really don't have to listen to advice peple tell you..But the girl has been living here, she could always have said something..why didn't she. I would so ask her that, but i really don't want to go anywhere near her right now. I really just want to ask her what if i came back with SARS and never told youa thing and let you and you're beloved boyfriend get infected so you can die and pass it on to you're family and friends too??! F. okay..anger speaking again. I should be careful, do not want to make her mad. she has the virus. she has the power.
I dont really want to ask her to leave because anywhere she goes she's just going to infect others.but what bout me?! what should i do?! If only they provide quarantine facilities here. Other than the airport. At least i know her other half will be staying in Sri lanka for quite some time.I can't move because i don't know if i have it..and i do not want to go infect my friends. hell no.
Its a good sign i'm not showing symptoms yet. The incubation period is 7 days, so if the boyfriend had his symptoms 5 days ago, means he had gotten it way before then .which means definitely its been spreading way back then. and since then its been more than 7 days, though i do feel tired and had a bit of sorethroat but all is wel now. Just to be safe, i shall go for a blood test tomorrow. I headed straight to the pharmacy to get pills to boost up my immune system. Nonetheless, could i be a carrier?i am praying soo soo hard i'm clean.
Its not really fatal, many have gotten it and recovered. but still..and it makes it worse that i open the papers today to find out that the virus has gotten more resistant to medication and stronger. nice. very nice. There are new ones and mutated ones now.
and funny how someone can have swine flu yet happily close all the windows and leave her food and dishes and clothes everywhere. I think, i am quite comfortable with cleaning up after you if you're 'normally' sick. but if you know you have this virus, don't u think its wise to try to make sure you can reduce the chances of spreading it to others. does she hate me ?
for now, i am going to quarantine myself. and most importantly, those of u who read this and are worried..thank you. but i am fine. and i wil make sure the virus doesn't get to you.
why did this have to happen.
why melbourne.
why them.
I'm scared! somebody hug me please. no wait, stay away.
I've been holding my bladder for over 2 hours because she used it and was coughing inside..now i jus dont dare to go in..unless i carry a disinfectant spray with me and spray while i pee...
omg..its not easy ..I have bladder issues! this is terrible. how am i going to cook?! how am i going to eat in peace?! holy crap !
i really need to think fast and act fast ...and perhaps buy bread to store in my room and live in my room for the next..god knows how long. live on bread only????! noooooooooooooooooooooooo =( no no no no.
this sucks =( i really have to find nice bread now. i guess the only way for me to use the kitchen and toilet is to risk my life. noooooooooo no no no no no. .................
='(
Posted on 2009.06.30 at 00:10
Food is vital. Food makes me a happy person. Food completes me. Food is almost everything to me. Food is good. We need food. I've never looked at food differently till today. I gotta stop eating! I agree i do eat more than people my size eat and i do eat the amount of a 22 year old man sometimes , but whats there not to like about food?? but seriously..i have GOT to stop eating.
Many come up to me and go "jess you seriously eat so much, where does all of it go?!" well HERE. points to stomach* you just don't see it underneath all the clothes. wait till i show you, my fats can talk. oh yes, and my thighs and butt cheeks too.. You have no idea how i wish there was some kind of invention that would allow you to make some sort of fat transplation from under to above by yourself..where they BELONG. one that is safe and cheap and fast and DIY.Someone???hurry up.
But hey, be thankful is what we should be and do. I am.
Sometimes i feel embaressed to walk around with a mega size lunch box..because people tend to take double looks at it and then take double looks at me after or the most common i hear is ' wow, thats a huge lunch box' .Its suprising to count the number of people who have the same response when you're cueing up for the microwave during lunchtime. yes thank you. Actually i don't mind at all, you are always welcome to have some. Unless i'm really really hungry. Then i'll just have to smack you're fingers.
I've always found it nice to see the reactions of peoples faces brighten up when they see food. Its even nicer when you have someone who would go kra a a zee with you over food. lots of fun. over the same food? no, not that fun .back off.its mine.unless theres lots. =) One person who comes to mind when i type this out is my brother. i call him the food stealer. (Yea, look who's talking. lol.) oh wait, and my male glutton friends. They probably are part of why i've grown up to be half man half lady. My 2nd sister once said, "next time i'm just going to tell you're husband, whenever she's angry. just FEED her." well, don't think that will do the trick though, maybe the first time, after that i'll just grab the food and walk. not out of his life of course..i still want more food ..just kidding..and then there are people who come up to me and go 'you're not eating to day.what happen?" and then theres some who go ' everytime you see jess in class she's eating' (LAN :P ) dont' worry..my feelings aren't hurt at all. I somehow take it as a compliment, because i don' t mind at all. I agree. It is kind of my hobby and i am very proud of it. lol.
Each time my sisters open the fridge and the box of chocolates are gone or empty , theres only 2 person to hunt down in the house. If i try real hard to look innocent, my brother gets the glares. Followed by a string of lies, and a full on debate and fight over who finished the box of chocolates. Well that was long long time ago. I've learnt to give and take now. Well sometimes. ahem. and of course cut the habit of lying. If not, my dad would saw off my leg. I'm serious. We have a rusted saw in the house.and something tells me, believe daddy!
Anyway, I've been eating a lot since the holidays began. I think i've converted the time of study during exams to time of eating after the exams. not good jessie, not good at all..by eating i do not mean 3 meals a day , supper and tea. During exams i could blame it on pressure and 'psychological stress'. But now the exams are over..and i'm eating ....more? nonono.
The food pyramid teaches us about balance. Judging from this picture, i do not eat that much bread and definitely do not eat that much vegetables and fruits and i can't really see whats at the top. Is that cheese?! If so, are they trying to tell us cheese is the best food source??you go cheese ! or am i not understanding the pyramid. I think so. Looks as though, i'm totally out of balance. Err...D-U-H.Maybe the pyramid is not accurate ( actually i believe so) but lets just see what i had today : 10 pieces of ham, 2 yogurts, 2 eggs, 1 choc donut , 1 burger, 1 mee goreng, 1 fat avocado, 1 breakfast brunch bar, 20 pieces of portuguese chicken wings ( i had the same box yesterday too! their really yummy.from safeway. and on sale now, if you want some, hurry)1 plate of salad, leftover spaghetti and housemates lasagna. Seriously, why am i typing this out.Because!I have to remind myself, next time, make sure history does not repeat itself. STOP.stop stop stop stop stop.
By the looks of it, that white space below within that frame = my life. which is bad because, seriously, i have got to stop eating.
and i'm telling you is definetely not the period.Back in the old days, how it use to be just 1 vanilla ice cream.
I always thought if there was ever a war and peopple weren't allowed to eat, i would be the first to disappear. But to think that way is just plain weak and horrible. I should train myself. Yes i am goin to train myself. Eating a lot is no crime. But overeating=excess energy and excess energy= laying them down as fat ( i learned that in my fish lectures..fish are the same too) If so many people can starve in this world, i shouldn't be eating so much. Its just wrong.
Actualy, i've always wanted to try the 1 day famine thing, and chicken out in the end. You're not suppose to eat for 24 hours. A few friends of mine have tried it and they said you feel really sad all the time. WELL I CAN IMAGINE .
At this moment, while typing this, pictures of famine and poverty stricken people are appearing in my head. From young, i've always wondered why my parents would get so mad when i waste food. Now i totally understand why and see the big picture. I will definitely pass that trait down to my kids. NEVER waste food. EVER.unless..their really gross..like soft mushy pumpkin (ew ew ew. with capital E)no wait, if its really gross pumpkin, my kids can eat it but i don't. so its not wasted either. I too just realize, i should stop calling food that i don't like gross. its food for petesake. must change. another thing to remember, never say yuck when it comes to food.its food for petesake.(think about all those starving!)
Even this looks good to me . ...what cute poos. =) now if they had added choc chips on top they'll just look like sharp nipples!
What was i saying??ah yes, I think i am going to try that famine thing next year. rephrase, i must try that famine thing next year. Now i'll have more than 6 months to train myself.
When it comes to eating, i only have one principle. eat whatever you want and exercise more.So far,its worked well for me. i guess it helps that i enjoy sports a lot too. thank goodness,can u imagine what would become of me if not?! even a hot air balloon won't be able to hide me.
Oh ya!while googling 'how to stop eating ' ( <--- thats how desperate i am)i accidentally found someones blog..guess whooooo.leehoms back up dancers blog.heh, weird ..but at least it took my mind off you know what...what else!...for awhile. Funny how i tried to stop eating and leehom came to the rescue. Awww..ok jess stop.
. 
Ooolala.He's the only chinese artist that i think can be dubbed 'good looking' In fact, one of the few chinese peopl e that i know of that is good looking. Those who claim jay chou looks better...OH PUHLEASE! you can practically tie his eyes with shoelaces and they're gone.. thats it.
oo dear, This is a long post. Must be all that guilt.
and i'm hungry again!
No jess no. SIT. stay ...stay...(told you i gotta start training myself)
this is going to be hard. I' shall sleep it off. I can. Just do it (tick!)
good night!
Posted on 2009.06.28 at 20:44
I awoke to the sounds of birds chirping at 7am in the morning...first words that came into my head..'surf you right for sleeping late' by the time i finish snoozing my poor alarm, it was 7.35am. The landlord is coming at 8 am and i haven't moved stuff out of the room. Well,technically , thats not my job. But since i was the first to stay here, i have that responsibility to do what i was told. The only thing i remembered was me sitting up at the end of the bed, trying to find the right hole of the sweater to slot my head into...and of course with my eyes heavily shut and mind deeply snoozed...i stumbled to the toilet. Knowing all i need to do is take that first step, i will feel much better once i have water splash across my face at least 10 times and have a nice glass of water. The first step is always the hardest . I was right at least, because after that, i was almost awake as i semi ran across the hallway and proceeded to banging on my housemates door. I had to, if not they wouldn't hear me.i was tempted to just barge in and yell get up..but i didn't want to see something that might blind me forever or leave me traumatised for a few nights. Hearing things are pretty bad enough already. ...oops.
It was my first time painting huge walls. The last time i remember i held a paintbrush was either for art or to paint some wooden plank for KH at school. o my goodness.I was pretty excited , the thought of using a roller was much more intriguing to me than holding a small paint brush. The landlord came and did everything, the wife didn't come. I felt bad for him. For his property. Painting is not an easy job. I needed much bigger biceps and triceps.
It took less than 8 hours for the room to be completed dried and beautiful. We had a break in the middle, where i proceeded to watching XMEN WOLVERINE. finally! i really like that show.mid way, the door bell rang, upset that i had to stop the show and go back to painting, until..........i opened the door. and low behold, there stood a young man, (i totally forgot bout hugh jackman then) the first thought that came into my head was "OMG. my landlord and his wife sure did a fine job" It was their son. I actually stood there for awhile in his way until it hit me few seconds later "what are you doing jess..get out of his way and let him in" ..right. silly girl.
He came to help. He striked me as a pretty good man too. Took over his father i suppose. We chatted while painting, the father did flash me some weird looks.Maybe he could read my mind ..or maybe he realized i had been painting the same area for the 7th time now. geez. I also tried real hard to not drop the brush each time he smiled.
Fastforward>> The feeling of opening a door and seeing someone with real blessed looks is really hard to find. Sure doesn't come by often unless you happen to date one. Even if you know theres just no way in the world you'll end up with one. It sure is a good feeling to go..'oh hello!'' ..
Italians are pretty good looking i realize.
What an experience i must say.
The last time something like that happened in my life, i remember walking into a lamp post. None this time, which means, good job jess, you sure have improved... haa.
Well, i was thinking...if he ever wanted to see me again, he can come knocking at my door.
LOL. As if !
Posted on 2009.06.27 at 01:17
I just found out that the king of POP has left the world. I was never really a fan. But i guess it is rather tragic that such a big legend is gone. and at 50. Cardiac arrest. Could it have been all that surgery getting to his heart?
I shouldn't be making fun of him . Thats just rude. Sorry .
Dear MJ,
you were wonderful in the eyes of many, although not so much in mine, but from what you've done in the past, its obvious you've already left a mark in this world for the next decade or more to come. May you rest in peace. Thank you for thriller and the moonwalk.
You're truly one of a kind, and thats why i like you.
lots of love,
Some Am a fan
You will be missed.
He may be gone, but his glove, hat and shoes live on .
Posted on 2009.06.27 at 00:43
What is fungus.what do you do with it. I am currently undergoing a huge dilemma! Actually, its under control. Thanks to having a kind kind kind hearted landlord. May God bless you.There is mould in the house! I mean,thanks to my landlord its under control not there is mould.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.Actually that was my reaction a month ago..now that it has spread..to more areas of the 4 corners of the room..and its turn more 'cloudy' gooey and has a nice shade of green and black to it, i only look at it with disgust within. No comments. In the midst of all that, i have been practising holding my breath. It doesn't smell. NOT YET . unless you stand like 1cm away from the breeding microorganisms.
The truth is, its not in MY room. ..phew phew phew.seriously, how does one grow fungus. My dear housemates. I do not blame them. In fact , a part of me wants to believe their not responsible, that there could be a possibility of a leakage coming from somewhere above since it started from the ceiling of their room. But after seeking numerous opinions from different individuals, they all told them the same thing- you need to open you're window. There is no ventilation.
Sigh. Why didn't they open their window. I know its freezing. But theres 2 of them to keep each other warm, and one of me to keep my 2 butt cheeks warm. And i still leave a gap at the window, i rather breath cold air than breathe spores man.
So about fungus, i have learned. They kill. Thats all i need to know. sheet!Apparently you can land up in hospital when you breathe too much of it. Thats why rapid action must be launched.I am assuming my life is ticking away faster than usual. To them, its pie. I find it cool that they can laugh about it , i have really cool housemates.:)but still! you don't just die like that. thats bad! and sad! "Remember in CSI one man died because he had mould everywhere in his room and when they opened him up there was mould inside him too jess?hahahha..." My reaction :" eh he huh...nice...." thinks to myself..what the.........how can you be so chill when it comes to losing you're life to spores?! I like my housemates..but this is just wrong.
So now, i am going to have my place repainted and refurnished and redone all for free. Cool! The only thing that bothers me is the thought of carrying things around the place, their heavy! the smell of paint after the work is done and if they are actually going to keep the window open in the future, if not the spores will just continue to reign.
Sigh,whats life without adventure. ad-venture. ahem. I constantly remind myself to look at the bright side, after everything, i can have a new clean place to stay in for another 5 months..
doesn't sound that bad afterall ...ooooookay.
Everything happens for a reason. I know how tv is coming into my room now. *grins*
Posted on 2009.06.25 at 21:40
9 down. zero to go. I feel powerful at this stage. but whats all that power now for, i can only think of one thing. the power to do happy things. things that make me happy. things that make one happy. woohoo!
I feel the pimples, heaviness and hardness at the 2 sides of my head fading away this night..oh what a delight.
Now to the new project, the proposal. done. I really enjoyed the movie, i laughed so hard at many scenes. Sometimes it doesn't take a lot for me to not stop laughing. People who know me well would know.But then again, this is a really enjoyable movie, because the whole cinema was laughing too! I'm glad i made the right choice in watching it on the day my exams ended. I've always enjoyed Bullock's wittiness. Ryan, i can only say he has nice eyes and a nice body. I really like this movie. I cried again. So this is a good movie. :D
The beginning of what i like to call 'sweet sweet surrender' awaits me for the next 4 weeks. On my way home, i cant' believe i actually stopped to borrow some novels for the holidays. Do i still want to read?Not really. But i guess its been awhile since i last read for leisure. Currently reading Ellen Degeneres book. Its quite hard to put down. For someone like me who gets bored usually after 10 pages of reading the same book.
Now i shall just keep looking forward to moments that capture my attention . o delight.
Posted on 2009.06.23 at 17:47
If there is one thing i enjoy doing..it would be snuggling up and feasting my eyes and attention on movies...movies...and movies..Snacks and drinks with it are just wonderful.Now you know why having a tv is so important to me?I guess I know whats in store for me this holidays besides cleaning and packing. Being horizontal whether or not with my eyes open or close is not goin' to be much different anymore!
Movie list to complete:
-2012
-My sisters Keeper
-Fame
-Transformers
-The Proposal
-Wolverine
-Obsessed
-Vicky Christina Barcelona
oh yes.i forgot..tv series! Heroes, F.r.i.e.n.d.s, the mentalist and greys anatomy.
Anticipation alright.
This is what happens when you are fortunate to live near or with people who own lots of series and movies .and a massive downloading limit connection..which reminds me..internet is back.yes!yes yes yes yes.
Posted on 2009.06.23 at 11:54
I woke up today summarizing the things that annoys me most in my head:
-Getting woken up before i have at least 8 hours of sleep by inconsiderate people.Sometimes i'm fine with it, i realize how far my patience can go. But there are those days, when i just wish i had a shot gun in my hand.
-Internet died on me. Its so cliche to say this, but each time i can't help but think what I.T has done to us these days. How many could survive without a phone. the thought...shudders...my pulse has weakened since the loss of connection with the outside world
-Bad customer service. I do not want to sound demanding or be dubbed the typical 'difficult' customer, but seriously. what really kills me is when you call up for help and they put you on hold for 20 minutes and play a stupid song that goes "Your time is important to us!"..and after using most of my cap up, i get cut off and call again only to have someone new attend and have crap crap attitude. URGH. breathe jessica breaethe!
-Men who walk and spit on the floor.
-No tv. no tv..no tv! how it has made me a less happier person.
-missing things, people and moments. Its a nice feeling to miss something or someone. but sometimes it just gets to you. and there's nothing you can do about it!
Thank goodness for chocolate mocha..and a good barista this morning. I mean noon. I always try to wake up early to try and catch the morning sun for once ,but fail once again. sigh.
2 to go 2 to go 2 to go. c'mon Oxy 10 ..work! If you are wondering, oxy 10 is a pimple gel.Now i shall head off to look at.........
This! yuck! ...im glad i'm not eating now. Imagine the effects after 4 hours and about 100 pictures...sorry :D
Have a nice day.
Posted on 2009.06.20 at 01:26
I hear the cruise family will be coming to Melbourne end of this month. I am not a fan. But i am hoping i am given the chance to get star struck..along with probably thousands of other people.
Lets just see how lucky i am. I have to say, they have one hell of a pretty daughter.
Posted on 2009.06.20 at 00:30
Its been a long time since i last clicked my blog website...and i realize how many times i posted on what it takes to be a student. It was quite a long while away, and i'm still at the same spot. exams are still going on! ..If you come up to me and whine about how tired you are and have 1 more to go because you had done 2 or 3.i will punch you. Punch with capital P. Ok maybe i won't be that mean, but i'll Pull you're ear. perhaps twist it too.
I have succumbed to a flabby ass and square shaped posterior. I have also become immune. Maybe because i have forgotten how it felt like to not having to come home thinking or knowing what i have to do next- my study table. If it were not for that beautiful tiger,i might not like my study table that much. Starting my day early in the morning with a cup of tea or coffee( i finally gave in..i'm weak) and a big breakfast (5 pieces of toast,tuna,avocado and ham) i'm ready set my engine till the night grows old. Wait, not early, noon i mean.There are so many times, an image of a bird flying into a wall or me posing as an orca trainer appears in that little space left inside of mine up there. But its become a routine and i no longer feel nothing. i mean anything.
The only thing that has its chance to complain are my dear multifocal cheesy pyogranuloma friends - pimples! (no pus, i'm just joking).Its like the insides of me are speaking through my pimples. get me out get me out! yes, yes..come out. but please leave after. you're not welcome.
Lately, i have been doing a lot of poos. Not the normal ones. The flaccid ones. Why i do not know. Do i really have that bad taste in food or is my stomach playing games with me because it only happens in the morning before i head to that hall. I'm like a dog! I poo when i get scared. sweet! I guess i can only think of detox detox detox..its a good thing..perhaps it will help with the face too.
I've put on weight. I notice so when looking in the mirror. These exams are seriously making me ugly! Now i'm starting to sound annoying. stop jessie stop. I'm sure its the hormones. Women go through so much, just the thought of childbirth says it all. Period pains, fluctuating moods, breast pains, bloat, do nipples of men hurt ? i don't think so. how unfair. nonetheless, i am happy i turned out to be an XX and not an XY. i enjoy being a girl and an old lady sometimes all at once. I try to be a lady always. =) Sit with you're legs close, don't shake you're leg like a guy, remember to close you're mouth when you burp and chew and farting is not a hobby. Yes sir.
So when i tell my friends i am sitting for 9 papers , their reply is 'are you crazy??!' Hey its not me who wants it...its part of my life. I felt bad when i attended the pre-vet lunch for the first years just to steal free food and spot if i know anyone. While doing so, i scared a whole bunch of them saying ' If i were you , i would stay away and think twice.and think real hard before signing that paper" only to have all of them go pale and gasp and go WHY?! HAHA..i no longer feel bad anymore. I think i might have just offered some of them liberty.
Nonetheless, i have no regrets. I have chose my destiny. So i'm going to shut up and be happy. and i am very thankful no doubt bout' that.
Right now, i'm quite sure my body is screaming mental exhaustion. and i'm aware there are far worst scenarios than this to come in the future. So,
number 7. bring it on. Please.
I'm hungry again. I've had cravings for Nasi Lemak lately. Now, i want my assam laksa so badly! I recall finishing a whole safeway familiy hawaiian chicken pizza to myself this dinner. Why am i still hungry?!
Is that why i'm defecaeting ...more?
-Just Do It . This has always been one of my favorite mottos, no matter how hard or impossible it seems to get something done, it will only get easier when you start taking that first step.
Posted on 2009.06.09 at 00:32
So since u dedicated a post to me...i shall return one..not because you did but also because i just felt like doing so ..
*pinch
Adelaide 2007
Melbourne 2008
2009...i am waiting for theee
Hopefully next year i'll make it to Perth when you're there..if not i'll just have to go Adelaide again ..I prefer Perth.
All the best to you're pen paper and brain pompuan..may god grant you wisdom favor and confidence.
I can't believe i start tomorrow..did i tell you how nerve racking this exams are to me this time? its just weird. .Its 10 times worse than A levels..and that time i had you around to goof with..
I will never forget you're face when you asked " hi..are you jessica goh?" and i stared blankly back at you.." ya...hi..why..you are...?"
" its me esther ! " ...
"silence from me..." i have forgotten tons of people in my life..so happen you were one of them..but way back!..no more no more.i promise. and yet you tel me all that we use to do...and i don't ever remember knowing you..
never mind..i remember you're coming down! :)
Talking about childhood friends..I was just thinking about one special one i had more than 10 years back..I can only remember his chinese name..he was my sister's best friends brother..
he was my first close friend..we knew each other in kindergarden i think..and were close since then..we swam, we played, we fight we literally kicked each other to 'death'.so close that the only thing i recall last of him was that he spilled ice kacang on my lovely dress when we were sitting on a swing when i was 8 ..and i proceeded to giving him a tight slap. i was such a slut when i was young! ughhh..
I suddenly have this urge to look for him again...but i wonder what kind of person he's grown into..i can barely remember how we lost contact ..it was more than a decade ago..
we had lots of fun..i shall ask you next time soph. Maybe you can help me track him down. Lol.
The first out of 9 papers begin tomorrow...i can do this!
My dear celine, teresa, mae and jess melo...and of course my other dear vet friends..Gezzel , Lan..all the best if i don't see you in the hall.
why am i still blogging.
bye!
Posted on 2009.06.07 at 22:38
Over the years..and lately..i have been asked many times..if i was who i am. if i was someone from somewhere...except china. THANK GOD.
No offense to china people..i'm sure their all humans as well. But seriously..i don't really like them. I really don't like them i mean. I know saying this is horrible..Because its not fair to judge an entire country base on behavior of some people. Am i being rude saying this in a blog?? If people read this and get offended..i should be expecting flood of comments. But then again..many people are on my side on this too.
But serioulsy..they trigger my patience.
I only started thinking differently after last year, there was a crazy china man living upstairs from my buliding who came knocking on my door all the time ..even after i try to off all the lights and pretend to not be in .he would stand outside my door and talk as if i could hear him..it scared the bajeeba's out of me..and even asked me if i wanted to go swimming with him..he's OLD! like..oldddd..what the...ew..no! thinking now ..i still go..YUCK.
Then came one bad decision i made in life..made and shouldn't have made. At least..i now know...ahem.
My ex housemate was from China. Now that he's gone..and i remain no contact whatsoever with him..because he was a horrible horrible person and he stole my luggage. asshole. He was filthy, irresponsible, disgusting, dirty, all bad things into one..
I seriously have no idea how he stays alive. but thats not my problem. ew ew ew ew.
Then of course, comes the complaints from many people ..from all different races and backgrounds..about them. Their loud, rude and dirty. Fullstop.
I seriously shouldn't be typing this. But i do not automatically shut down any china person that comes talking to me..because i believe and am quite sure there are normal ones out there. I have 2 friends which are girls from China and their really nice and sweet. I guess its only the boys that should be extinct.
Nevertheless..despite being the same race. I am proud to be one myself.. proud to be Malaysian definetely. Er, except for the goverment. Lets not go there.
Going to the library, heading to the grocery stores and back home waiting for trams and walking along the road..i had 4 people ask me where i'm from and if i was chinese.
I know i'm darker in colour and hairier than usual but i think i do look pretty chinese. When i was a little kid i use to be bullied so much for being the 'odd one' out amongst the norm..and i hated it..I still remember all those female doggish girls..but its okay..we were all young..forgive and forget we should.
So far, i've been asked if i was malay, sabahan, philipino, chilean, brazillian , hawaiian , or some type of girl from some ulu jungle(inner land place)..oh wait..and thai too.
I actually have no issues at all with that. I guess its good in a way to have the better of both worlds. If i ever needed to visit any of the places above..i guess i would blend in easily.only thing that annoys me and sets off the button in me is when a person goes' are you sure you're parents are chinese?'
That poor soul got everything he needed to know except my number. BAKA.
exams are in 2 days...AH! when you wake up with you're hair at all angles ..you know you're almost there.
Posted on 2009.06.07 at 01:21
I remember i said i would not complain..but this is after all a blog....a psychiatrist would always tell you..its always healthy to let you're bitterness out..release the frustration ..release the pain and stress. so here goes...hahaha. <--- thats a laughter of a disturbed lady.
My head is on the verge of explosion.I am imagining the amount of things inside it before its time for some sort of eruption..maybe the blood vessels will go first. Then the tissues. last of course, THE head.
I've never said this so many times ..until i realize how many times i said it today ..."failure is not an option" .I lost count. Its nice to know i'm not alone and many are in the same boat. and some are even at a worse state than I am. So why am I so worried ...because i really don't want to repeat and throw all that money away ..I too do not want to go through a huge depression phase and send many others down that lane too.
This is the first time i actually feel this unstable for exams. its not a good feeling at all. and i'm not sitting around shaking my legs, playing computer games, watching movies, or lookign at slides this time before I go into the exam hall. I am sitting and studying like a very good student. Very hard. I've never studied so hard in my life before. and to know there is still a possibility of suicide is what makes everything turn black and white.And i finally know what it means when people go, veterinary science hey?must be hard. yes ..yes. get me out! yes ? no?
Now now..maybe i should stop underesitmating myself..
But then again, there are those days where that voice just goes .."i can't take this anymore.." then of course, an image of a bird flying straight into a wall pops up ..the bird=me.
What most people say..as long as you study hard..you definitely do well. poof! Its a myth for this course! Lecturers are meanies..they're all out to get you so that can see you again next year and go HELLO. except for some.
I too am starting to hear other voices in my head..voices of Ross and Rachel in Friends. Ross is the lecturer or perhaps..mom? and ross is me. When they had a big fight over rachel's letter to ross on how he should be a better boyfriend , the one she wrote when they were on a break. I love that show.
Ross: i fell asleep.
Rachel: You fell asleeep?!!
Ross: it was 10 pages!
Rachel:ugh, i can't believe you!
Ross: FRONT AND BACK!
Now if only..it was just 10 pages of words i had to read.another 3 zeroes is more like it.
Just now i scared myself for no reason, i tried to close my bedroom door only to feel an abrupt presence allowing me to Not close it..after 5 times of attempting to shut the door..i was starting to think is there something i'm not seeing in front of me..only to realize after 10 minutes of fear..i found out..it was the jacket behind my door that had its zip stuck in the edge. hahaha <---- psy-chooo.
I know how agitated and angry i can get when i'm tired and my sleep is disrupted..I become another person when woken up..and its not a good sight at all. The smoke alarm experienced my wrath a few days ago. I still don't know how a smoke alarm can go off at 4am in the morning. Funny hting was, it started at 2 something..and i ignored it thinking it was coming from the room upstairs.it didn't sound like an alarm.it sounded more like someone having a real bad internet connection. Only to hear it get louder and louder..then only did i realize where the soud was coming from. I didn't know how to stop a smoke alarm from ringing, should i let it ring till the fire engine comes? there's no way..i can't sleep! and i did not want to wake anyone in the entire builiding up. it was late..i was tired..and half asleep..it was too high up..theres no way i could reach it..sheet! I dont know why ..i headed straight and grabbed a towel and threw it upwards..without thinking..and miraculously it stopped. That split second of silence was golden. I felt like i had new ears. EIther that , it was because i had gone deaf already. So I headed back to bed..smiling..only to be woken up again! I think i was fuming internally this time..so i threw the towel again..twice this time.....as if that helped..
3rd time..i think i marched sleepishly to the kitchen, grabbed the broom stick and ..shoved it straight into that white round annoying thing.. it did not burst..thank goodness..i would have felt sorry the next day if that happened. It worked! YES.
Hopefully this does not happen to me when being a mom...if so, i would be one horrible mom.
Quotes that i like and keeps me going for this this this...............exam.
I learned patience, perseverance, and dedication. Now I really know myself, and I know my voice. It's a voice of pain and victory.
Failure after long perseverance is much grander than never to have a striving good enough to be called a failure.
Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.
Dear girlfriends and boyfriends of mine,
IF you are stress..stress not..i am too...please perservere and do you're best. WE CAN...we can ....we can...? yes we can!
its not that bad...its not!
its good to know..i am still alive.and as long as i am still alive..i can keep going.
Posted on 2009.06.03 at 22:29
I am missing tennis !! Nooooooooooooooooooooo.
I am thinking of finding a long tv cord and moving the tv INto my room. not after the 25th of june at least...is it a wise thing to do...hurmmm...............sounds like one though.
Sometimes its hard to let someone know you miss them so much, if only they felt the same way or knew how you felt.
Some things are better left unsaid, because once said, there is not turning back. and thats the sucky bit.
Its the hormones i tell you..i have my ups and downs.
I'm moody.
Esther is coming down this winter..i cannot wait. My other crazy half .
What would the world be without music...sometimes i can't help but be so thankful i have good speakers in my room.
its true when they say music lightens you're soul.
Past year questions are fun fun fun.
Now, Focus jessie ..focus!
Posted on 2009.06.03 at 00:10
I ended the 1st semester of 2009 of my 3rd year of uni by treating myself to good good good with capital G food at Ying Thai (Thai food) and movie. It was so good, i remember telling myself if had a genie now ..one grant would be to kidnap the chef and make him cook thai food for me for free in my house for the next few months..at least till i get sick of it and till i try every single type of thai food. Movie wasn't planned..it was just an excuse to enjoy before going through what i call 'the untherapeutic highness phase'- studying .
I realize sitting down from day to night apart from visiting the kitchen and toilet and stretching and perhaps meditating is something possible to do. If i keep doing that, i actually can finish what i have to do. which is a very very good, relieving and comforting thing to know.
However,the side effects are another thing.
The scary part is,i was attempting some questions to see what i know..yos mi yo..i know nada! well not entirely nada..but its not easy peasy papers...i'm worried Again!this sucks!Coming to think of it..it isn't that bad..i've taken so many exams in my life and passed so many of them sometimes even when i don't really study for it..but why is this one kinda twitching my nerves? the last time i had this feeling was for PMR?! yet,i'm studying real hard for this one. someone get me a puff quick.
Anyway, i was just reminiscing..
The movie i mean.Eye candy on the right...peng pong peng pong* (its suppose to be an alarm signal..get it?) dude, i have just added you to my list of hollywood charms.
It had a really lame title..'ghosts of girlfriends past' ..definitely something i was not attracted to at first sight..and at 11.10 pm at night..the movie better be worth watching .twas it was!! It was fun to share the huge bean bag with mae. the half pipe room just made the night more enjoyable. it was fun!
I liked it from the beginning till the end. Maybe i have bad movie taste to some of you guys out there..but i found it a very enjoyable, funny ,sweet movie. As long as i am able to shed tears..its a good movie.haha..and i'm sure matthew kept most of the girls eyes fixated on the screen.At least mine were...he has very nice white teeth. and a nice smile to go with it.
i shall head to bed early tonight for once and start afresh tomorrow .hopefully feeling recharged. Because i feel drained and my head hurts. i'm serious.
Thou shall not underestimate the power of ........sleep.
"So how's studying? Look at my eyes, look at my hair and read my expression .now you tell me"
THis is going to be my last post of me complaining bout studying..i should stop.probably my last till i surface again from the depths of misery.
i need some form of oomph.
Posted on 2009.05.27 at 23:43
I have exactly 9 days ..ok maybe 14 or so to finish 7 subjects. to be exact..its 9 days..
OH MY GAHHHHHHDDDDD!
now imagine me saying that again in a strangled chicken tone..
OH MY GAAAAAAAHT!
I realize i am able to panic when i read something and go ..WHAT THE..what? OMG..what??? OH MY GAWD.
god.
seriously...
help!
choke. did i say strangled?
bazooka? anybody?